Jamie wrote: ↑23 Feb 2021, 13:44
REMEMBERING their previous efforts to keep regions free and safe from invasion through their leadership in a number of operations, namely the liberation efforts and sieges of Anatonia and Christmas.
Is this supposed to be
Anontia, home of that Raidercon op that got sieged down and liberated a couple of years ago?
Also, I feel like "liberation efforts and sieges of Anontia and Christmas" is a little awkward and wordy. I'm assuming you mean the liberation of Christmas that featured in the most recent Defender Awards. In that case, I'd suggest "the siege of Anontia and liberation of Christmas" to avoid implying that they were both sieges. If you were talking about some other defense of Christmas that was a siege, I think "the sieges of Anontia and Christmas" is a little more to the point.
Let's see. I think this list could also be improved:
Jamie wrote: ↑23 Feb 2021, 13:44
ASTOUNDED by
Karputsk’s history of defending service in numerous regions and organisations including:
- Their long service record within the Founderless Regions Alliance (FRA), a multi-regional defensive organisation, in which they held numerous positions - service as Regional Recruitment & Liaison Officer, as well as managing the military branch known as the ‘FRA Rangers’ through the position of Chief of Defense as well as serving as Intelligence Minister. Their career within the organisation also resulted in them serving four non-consecutive terms as the main organiser of the alliance in the position of ‘Arch Chancellor’.
- Their long service within the ‘FRA Rangers’, rising to the rank of Brigadier General within the Alliance.
- Served as Co-Chief, and later sole Chief of Defence of the Spiritus Defence Force, the regional military of the region of Spiritus.
- After the FRA’s dissolution, noting Karputsk’s continued commitment to the defending cause through their career with The Rejected Realms army in which they served as Commander.
A few things stick out to me. For one, the first two bullet points are pretty similar, in that both talk about their long service record within the FRA. I'd suggest either combining them, or grouping all the military stuff together in the same point. One example might look like this:
Spoiler: click to toggle
"-Their long service record within the Founderless Regions Alliance (FRA), a multi-regional defensive organisation, in which they served as Regional Recruitment & Liason Officer, where they <did X, Y, and Z.>
-Their service to the FRA Rangers, where they served as Chief of Defense and Intelligence Minister, <where they did A, B, and C, and rose to the rank of Brigadier General>."
Also, please consider making your lists parallel. The first two points both start with "their [...] service within" or similar. These ideas are also present in the last two points, so I'd consider reworking it so that the points start in a similar fashion. For example:
Spoiler: click to toggle
"[...] regions and organizations, including their service to:
- The FRA, where they [...]
- The FRA Rangers, where they [...]
- Spiritus/The Spiritus Defense Force, where they [...]
- The Rejected Realms/Army, where they continued their commitment to the defending cause even after the FRA's dissolution and [...] "
or similar.
Your other list also doesn't seem to flow very well, in my opinion.
Jamie wrote: ↑23 Feb 2021, 13:44
REMEMBERING that when the nation of
Karputsk came into establishment they resided in the region of
New Sorvun - in which they served in numerous positions.
- Serving as High Commander of the New Sovrun regional military, before their acceptance to the Founderless Regions Alliance on June 11th 2008.
- Serving in a variety of government positions throughout the region’s history - including serving in the positions of Prime Minister and Court Justice, as well as a member of the regions Senate. They also served as Minister of Internal Affairs, and during their time within the region they reached highs in the regional population.
The sentence before the list is a complete sentence, ending in a full stop. The bullet points aren't "part of" a larger sentence, so maybe the points should be their own sentences? That, or you could rework the lead-in to make it absorb the bullet points more easily.
If you're married to this concept, I'd go with something like
Spoiler: click to toggle
"REMEMBERING that when the nation of
Karputsk came into establishment they resided in the region of
New Sorvun, where they:
-Served as High Commander of the [...], and
-Served in a variety of government positions [....]"
You could also try making the bullets their own clauses, and removing the lead-in clause.
However, there are other issues. For one, this list doesn't seem very distinct from the other list. Both talk about the positions Karputsk held, although one of the lists focuses solely on New Sorvun and the other focuses on everywhere else. I do like that you included the bit about reaching highs in the regional population. Assuming that the Minister of Internal Affairs did some work with recruiting or integrating new nations, that's good evidence of Karp helping to make a region demonstrably better in some way.
I'd also like to see you write more about his accomplishments, especially if you can quantify them. You list many positions that Karp held, but I feel like the commendation would be better if you wrote more about what he actually did. Did he defend a billion regions? How did the FRA fare when Karp was in charge of regional recruitment? Did they increase in membership? Did Karp slow a decline?
