The Rejectmas Manual

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Nequedum
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The Rejectmas Manual

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Originally posted on the 19th of December 2014.

The Rejectmas Manual:
Everything You Need To Know About Rejectmas (And More)

Edited by Unibot.
Prepared by the Government of The Rejected Realms with vague oversight from the Office of Internal Affairs, in consultation with Almonaster, Gairvuu, Komediya, Qandaristan, DogeIsland, Idoits, Dembe, DurSul, Campinia, Frattastan et al.

Introduction

A nascent trend has emerged in the contemporary world: Rejects, now, more than ever before, know nothing of Rejectmas! This “cultural disconnect” from the time-honoured* traditions of The Rejected Realms is a worrying development – one which The Rejected Realms government wishes to reverse with the help of this handy, (recycled) paperback manual to inform the masses and proliferate our holiday traditions, or at the very least, service a growing need for kindling and firestarters for The Rejected Realms’ homeless.

Remember: please refrain from burning or destroying this manual prior to reading, although if you feel compelled to disobey these instructions, burn wisely and please respect the environment – if you choose to disobey the latter instructions, we here at The Rejected Realms would like to wish you a very smooth Rejectmas, albeit with a kindly and bureaucratic reminder of what a disobedient, irresponsible and uniquely tiresome prat you are (i.e., “excellent work, citizen. Top notch.”).

What is Rejectmas?

Rejectmas is a civic holiday which celebrates rejecthood - life as a reject. It originated as a convergence of several notable religions in the various tribes of the wiþċēosanne plains over ten thousand years ago.

In Old Withchesen, the tongue of the rejects, "Reject" did not mean 'outsider' (as it does in English) - it meant "a friend and equal who shares a common sense of loneliness which can only be overcome collectively; an endearing sign of personal equality, not only in terms of circumstance but also in character". Withchesen lacked a name for "other", "stranger" or "outsider" - the concept never existed in The Rejected Realms.

The ancients of The Rejected Realms believed that the core need of every living being in the universe was acceptance and, even today, rejects regard Rejectmas as a celebration of the essence of these teachings and its impact on their lives and their place in reject society.

History

Human civilisation began some time ago. We are unclear on the precise date, but we believe it may have been a Thursday – never liked Thursdays.

Nonetheless, civilianisation, was, by all accounts, a boring and rather dull affair. Life was simple and unbothered with the technical progress that would soon follow… automobiles, music videos and, of course, flushable toilets. Prior to the invention of color photography, even, our most dim and otherwise, unreliable archeologists have suggested that most of humanity lived with monochromatic flesh tones and perpetually grey hair.

This atmosphere of “boring” would soon change with the creation of The Rejected Realms on… some date. We’re also unclear on that one. But no bother: main point is, we were created and life was better for it. With the creation of The Rejected Realms on… some date… NationStates gave birth to a home for rejects all around the world – banished from their previous homes, presumably for bad behavior, or worse, bad hair… these rebels, hooligans and all-around jolly folk would come to build a brave new political society based on the central tenets of inclusion, equality and the Ramones. When instructed that “The Ramones” was not a fundamental principle, our founding fathers (and mothers) quickly ignored this academic advice – probably for the best really. The final proposal, after all, was a vast improvement over the initial proposal: “inclusion, equality and disappointment”.

Hey ho, let's go! Hey ho, let's go!! What? It’s a catchy song…

Regardless, The Rejected Realm’s tribes of rejects, were rather dim and, lacking many of the basic intellectual concepts that we possess today, came to the conclusion that their banishment was the result of compassion on the part of their former regions – as I said: dim as an energy efficient lightbulb.

Building on the misguided interpretation of their own circumstances, T'senrae, the elder reject, found that there were three essential qualities to rejecthood:
  • Quīnum. (trans. 'truth-saying') A spirit of candour - an openness to speak the truth and accept criticism with a rugged, "thick skin". During Rejectmas, it is a personal expectation of every reject to never lie - not only to other rejects, but to themselves too.
  • Gilsara. (trans. 'truth-feeling') An overwhelming sense of compassion for the well-being of others. Near the twilight of Rejectmas, rejects engage in the common ritual of "fear-sharing" - they will ask each other to privately share their greatest fear with one another. Ancients believe that sharing one's fears was a path to a shared understanding of humanity and brought rejects together as a society, because the community would carry the fears of rejects together on its collective shoulders.
  • Kônder. (trans. 'truth-knowing') An everlasting pursuit for personal enlightenment - which is better translated as "endarkenment" because the ancients believed that light was a mask; it was only in the night sky, ancient philosophers argued, that the stars and the true beauty of the universe could be witnessed. For this reason, The Rejected Realms' flag depicts a starry night and during the late evening of Rejectmas, after dinner, rejects will traditionally stargaze.
These qualities are not a characteristic or a state per se, but processes that every reject develops throughout their life.

Regrettably, no one under the age of forty-five was brave enough to tell T'senrae what a nitwit he was – and so began the traditional philosophy of rejects.

In other words: the entire basis for not only Rejectmas, but the central philosophy of life for rejects is an embarrassing mistake on the part of our elders, who are widely regarded as loony, thick and backward. But nevermind that. Who cares about history anyways… surely you’re more interested in Rejectmas as it is practiced today….

Culture

The cultural practices of Rejectmas as a holiday can be divided into four broad categories: (1) general practices, (2) practices of a subversive, violent or sexual nature. (3) culinary practices of a somewhat less violent nature, and (4) irresponsible and potentially reckless government policy.

General Practices

Especially in the far east, "Rejectmas" is pronounced "Reject-a-mas" with a superfluous letter. The origins of this orthography are debated by scholars. Professor Dingle Giddins from the University of Forebbleshaugh (pron. Fershaw) popularly theorized that the additional "a" was vital for the pronunciation of the word given the traditional easterner's habit of spontaneous glottal stops and "invisible letters" (distinct from 'silent letters'). Most authorities, however, widely agree that easterners are just thick-headed, dull and remarkably inarticulate.

While rejects will gladly accept a “Happy Holidays”, mostly because they enjoy how it irritates others, the formal greeting to a reject on Rejectmas, near Rejectmas, or on any Thursday (except Labour Day) is “Hairy Rejectmas!”, which is often followed with “Have a very smooth Rejectmas!”.

The “smooth” may be a reference to the old tradition of shaving one’s head on Rejectmas (scarcely observed since the advent of industrial hair gel), however, it is also possible that the “Hairy” and “Smooth” is a reference to testicles and the reject’s fondness for indecent exposure during the holidays.

Speaking of testicles. More recently, wearing embarrassingly pajamas throughout Rejectmas has become a regular convention, but solely as a tongue and cheek play on a longstanding tradition of sleeping in the nude on Rejectmas Eve. It's widely regarded as bad luck to sleep with articles of clothing during Rejectmas Eve - yes, that kind of bad luck.

“Bite me.”

As for Rejectmas’ “colours”, Rejectmas traditionally embraces the colours of black, silver, indigo and dramoon. The colour dramoon has been lost since the thirteenth century, although still officially recognised by most contemporary local authorities; some historians regard "dramoon" as a mere typo, or translation error by Saint Berowne, in Historia Rejectamentum (trans. History of the Rejects) who is considered by many to have an unreliable account of history, in part due to his problem drinking and, potentially, an undiagnosed case of syphilis.

Children often capture 'dramoon' in drawings using neglected colouring crayons, like "Thistle", "Chestnut" and "Mauvelous"; meanwhile, "dramoon" has also entered into reject drinking culture as a synonym for the colour of festive vomit.

Subversive Practices

Naturally, during a holiday season intended to celebrate life as a reject, Rejectmas often plays host to general hooliganism. While rejects widely reject consumerism, they will loot stores to share their finds with one another on Rejectmas morning – this practice is so widespread, however, that franchises encourage their businesses to try to sell their stock prior to Rejectmas through “all means necessary”, including very low prices and gratuitous corporate charity events.

Regularly, this hooliganism leads to street violence and traditional “gunslinging showdowns”, the latter which usually crop up by noon if you’re lucky. On Rejectmas, violence is usually directed towards three vulnerable segments of the population: (1) spammers, (2) carolers and, (3) irritating, older relatives. On Rejectmas, it is traditionally customary to flog spammers and foreign carolers with cricket bats and benign kitchen utensils – spammers, especially, will be hung by their feet while children are encouraged to flog them. The traditional explanation for the abuse of spammers is that this violence releases their souls to feed the “old god”, the Collector of Souls – a former delegate. No traditional explanation for the abuse of carolers has ever been provided, perhaps because no explanation has ever been necessary.

“Joy to this, twats!”

Several myths of “spirits that reject people” surround Rejectmas, but none more prominent than The Silver Ghost. Legend has it that The Silver Ghost would kidnap seniors as they slept and bring them to retirement homes. As of result, older relatives (even those visiting for the holidays) are traditionally locked up in a cupboard during the entirety of Rejectmas to protect them from The Silver Ghost.

While children and seniors alike are often skeptical of the Silver Ghost’s existence, adults, especially in-laws, are venomously committed to the tradition and its cultural imperative.

Eytinge's classic illustrations from "The Untimely Appearance of the Silver Ghost
and Grandfather's Imminent Doom." (1877)

Cuisine

As stated previously, “Smooth” is often a valued adjective during the holidays, so much so even that reject cuisine often stresses an emphasis on “smooth” foods over any other kind. Although many fruits are smooth, rejects prefer eating a half a dozen mandarin oranges or tangerines – there is no historical explanation for this specification, other than that tangerines are utterly delicious.

For breakfast, rejects will often eat a traditional omelette having first assured that the eggs used in the making of the omelette are well formed and free from impurities. The smoothness of the egg is an important dimension to consider when shopping for eggs during Rejectmas. Avid grocery shoppers during the holidays have often turned the difficult task for searching for the best crop of eggs into a combative free-for-all – watch out for flying egg projectiles!

For lunch and dinner, rejects will enjoy other smooth foods, including squash, deconstructed turkey legs, potatoes (never mashed), zucchini, meatballs, beef tenderloin, crab cakes and fisheyes. Seafood is actually more common for Rejectmas evening meals than other types of food. Rejects, likewise, will often indulge in copious amounts of coffee, because, after all, coffee beans are smooth.

With regards to cuisine, a number of well-known practices also involve candy:

Public washrooms traditionally play host to an all-day game of sweetbooth (also known as 'toffee-or-turds', or 'sweets-and-youknowwhat'). Children have three guesses to find which stall has a toilet bowl stuffed rim-high with extra-sweet pudding, butterscotch and toffee - winners get to take some of the goodies with them, losers get their heads flushed in a toilet.

Over the past decade, issues with accessibility to public washrooms have been raised regarding the tradition with many public washrooms rendered inaccessible due to the long line of children who wish to participate. Legend suggests that the practice began with a disgruntled caretaker and his cantankerous relationship with unruly schoolchildren.

Citizens are also encouraged to throw sweets at their Delegate on Rejectmas. While critics of the government have enthusiastically embraced the tradition (preferring to use chunks of hard-boiled toffee left over from Halloween), children and social activists widely consider the practice, a waste of food.

Nonetheless, the tradition has become the bane of many delegate's tenures. Reportedly, Sedgistan left office just prior to Rejectmas to escape the ugly fate and another popular urban legend suggests that to avoid the wrath of Rejectmas, Whamabama went as far as to hide in seclusion for most of his term, communicating with other officials only through carefully-timed carrier pigeons and coded messages.

Historians regard the practice as a reference to Kandarin, The Rejected Realms' longstanding former delegate, and his nickname, 'Kandy'.

Government Policy

Related to Rejectmas’ vague themes of “forgiveness” and absolution (something to do with being a reject… or something; don’t ask me), government policy is often particular lax during the holiday out of sheer “compassion” or something rather rubbish like that.

With regards to embassy policy, The Rejected Realms accepts virtually every region which applies for embassies. The practice began as an inside joke between the Foreign Affairs department - alcohol was likely involved.

Perhaps even more disconcertingly, national governments are encouraged to recklessly pardon criminals on Rejectmas purely out of holiday spirit.

Meanwhile, it is almost universally recognised that time zones do not apply to Rejectmas - which begins at three in the morning, not midnight and requires all residents to move their clocks forward to three in the morning.

Some have suggested that this practice ensures that times passes uniformly across The Rejected Realms during Rejectmas at the same time as time passes in the holy village of Wiþċēosan, but more likely, the practice is a clever maneuver to circumvent local ordinances and drinking laws which prohibit the serving of alcohol prior to noon.

The hours of one and two o'clock are regarded as the hours that never were, the neverhours of Rejectmas. Bedtime stories often regard children's dreams as recollections of the neverhours, while romantic poems regard the neverhours as a time of indulgence for young, star-crossed lovers: to "kiss with no regret o' thee kisses we forget".

* “Time-honoured” as in we made this gig up a week ago. Never-mind that though. Shush.
Last edited by Nequedum on 17 Dec 2019, 15:20, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: The Rejectmas Manual

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While The Rejectmas Manual is comprehensive, some may prefer this brief explanation of Rejectmas. Rejects are expected during Rejectmas to vaguely observe these general practices...

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Re: The Rejectmas Manual

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